My dad was the king of drinking cheap beer. He often said his favorite beer was whatever was on sale at Kroger (Upper midwest reference).
Deadspin wrote an article my dad would have enjoyed immensely, they rated the cheapest beers on the market, and here’s what they found.
You can see the entire list here, but I will highlight my Dad and my favorites.
Remember those small six ounce bottles of Miller we used to call “little soldiers”? It was full of crap, right?
31. Miller High Life. This is what the bartenders and cool people in my neighborhood drink, and god bless them, I wish I could too. The bottle! The name! The “Champagne of Beers” tagline! But it’s just too accidentally sour.
Schlitz was a luxury for Dad.
30. Schlitz. I loved Schlitz until a few years ago, when they made a big fuss about reintroducing the “Classic 60s Formula,” which tastes yeasty and sweet, like an infected donut.
For my Baltimore friends…
29. National Bohemian. As one of the few Americans who’s never seen The Wire or flashed my tits at the Preakness, I’m largely shut out of the Baltimore conversation, but I HAVE had a Natty Bo, which qualifies me to say, Sure, I get it, hometown pride is nice sometimes. But you do know there are other beers, right?
26. Bud Light. Tastes like printer paper and often gives the impression of unfreshness, which is alarming given the high turnover. There’s a very good chance you and Bud Light will join forces at some point over the holiday weekend, and that’s all well and good, but please don’t take it into the bathroom with you. I used to clean bar bathrooms, and an overwhelming majority of the bottles left in the john at the end of the night were Bud Light. Bud Light dudes are afraid of leaving their beer unattended, as if they have reason to worry about the fate of unattended beers. I suppose there’s something apt about these beers ending the night on top of a urinal. It’s like a little story about the nitrogen cycle.
Apparently the go-to beer for teens in my neighborhood as I see the cans sprinkled throughout the Columbia “green space”.
21. Natural Light. I drank a lot of this in high school. Do high school kids still drink cheap beer, or is it all the lemonade alcopop bullshit for the lightweights and Four Loko (and the myriad Loko-alikes) for the bad kids? Or worse yet, is it all reefer and pills? I sucked at being a teenager, but I feel like I had the “drinking cheap beer by a fire in the woods” part down cold. If they’ve changed that step of the program I’ll have nothing useful to offer my hypothetical future teens.
The Detroit equivalent of B-more’s Natty Boh…
22. Stroh’s. The royal blue Stroh’s can is truly majestic, but the beer itself is disconcertingly greasy. It doesn’t taste like much one way or the other, but it’s marred by a rubbery slickness that leaves your tongue feeling like third-day deli ham.
Dad’s most likely cheapy…
20. Milwaukee’s Best. It’s easy to mock the Beast, but it’s all I drank in college and I turned out.
The teen aged favorite of ours was Old Milwaukee, it was so cheap we could knock back 12 in a night, and if we didn’t wind up dead or severely injured, we would still have money in our pocket the next morning…
17. Old Milwaukee. This was the first beer I ever hated, but that was back in my stupid youth, when I expected more out of life. Turns out Old Milwaukee is plenty good enough for the likes of me.
We used to think Coors’ was “exotic” when we were growing up because it was unavailable locally. We were SO wrong.
3. Coors. You don’t see much yellow-canned original Coors Banquet Beer in Boston, which is a small shame, since it’s a half-step better than its direct competitors. See above regarding Nazis and unions and what not.
12. Coors Light. Is Ice Cube broke? Seems unlikely, but it’s the only acceptable excuse for those shameful ads wherein the baddest rapper of my childhood loses an argument to a fucking beer bottle. I had a Coors Light last week, though, and it’s better than I remembered. If you base your beer choices on the CEO’s politics—and I suppose you might as well—then you probably have an opinion on Head Pete in Charge’s staunch conservatism, as well as the company’s scummy labor history. Okie doke.